Developing Emotional Resilience in Children

Negative habits-of-mind greatly fuel emotional discomfort. These negative habits of mind include; self-downing, the need to be perfect, the need for approval, the I can’t do it, or I can’t be bothered mindset and being intolerant of others.  This week I would like to continue to share some strategies from the You Can Do It Program which may help eliminate or help to balance these negative mindsets. The need for approval is another negative habit-of-mind which can be detrimental to a child developing resilience.

To Eliminate ‘Needing Approval’

In order to help a child who is overly concerned with what others think of him/her, you should find an opportunity to explain that while it is nice to be liked and approved of, your child does not need the approval of teachers or friends all the time. The following should be communicated, “You know that there are only a very few things we need in life and these include food, shelter and clothing.  While it may feel like we cannot stand it when we do something that someone disapproves of or that it is the worst thing in the world to be teased or criticised, it is important to know that while it is not pleasant to be thought badly of or criticised, it is something that you can put up with and survive.”  You should emphasise to your child that while it is preferable to try to be accepted and approved of, it is equally important to have a ‘be independent’ type of thinking, that means that it is important to try new things even if others think you are silly or stupid.  Try to eliminate extreme dependency of your child concerning schoolwork, and his/her fears of being criticised for not having done it well enough.

Other suggestions for eliminating your child’s need for approval include the following:

• Encourage your child to complete his/her schoolwork independently.  If your child has a question about what to do concerning schoolwork, you should use the Praise, Prompt and Leave procedure (e.g., say something positive about what the child knows/has done, provide a brief prompt about the next step, and then walk away).
• Provide recognition to your child for completing work independently.
• Teach your child not to judge or evaluate his/her work until after a certain period of time.
• Do not give your child too much attention when he/she expresses negative feelings about work or social interactions.
• Encourage your child to participate in, rather than avoid social activities.
• Acknowledge your child when he/she has ‘survived’ being in social situations he/she experienced as stressful.  Say: “See, you are strong enough to put up with unpleasantness.”

Mr David Druery, Head of Staff and Students P-5